Melissa

I just finished reading Mindset: The new psychology of success by Carol S. Dweck which can be purchased from Amazon at the very affordable cost of $12.92.

I don't want to bore the world with the details of the book because I'm honestly mostly writing this for me. However, I will tell you that the premise of the book is to learn to recognize in ourselves if we foster the attitude of growth and progress or innate and limited talents and abilities. The difference between naturally being "smart" or "dumb" and rather the idea that success comes through effort and steady progress. A word that constantly popped into my head as I read the book was tenacity.

I honestly started reading this book and within the first few pages, I was convinced that I already had a "growth mindset" and that I inherently knew that my potential knows no bounds and that I really could do anything that I set my mind to. I was right about my potential knowing no boundaries, but I was totally wrong about how much I actually believed that.

Don't get me wrong, I do still believe that in most instances, I do have and use a growth mindset. But reading this book made me realize how detrimental my fixed mindset is when it does take over. So...I'm gonna do what Dr. Dweck makes her students do when they take classes from her at Columbia. She makes them give their fixed mindset a name and to identify their fixed mindset triggers. So here goes nothin'...

We'll call ya Melissa (mostly because that's what the old, deaf patients at the clinic think I say my name is and I hate it). So here I am, telling the world once and for all, that I am not Melissa, and that I will not let her take control of my life. She'll probably have some wiggle room for input, but don't let her fool you-- her opinion will not be validated and fed. We will keep her as quiet as possible. A thing of the past to be remembered for what I overcame and to remind me that I don't want to go back to her.

Right now, I find her creeping in to every creative endeavor I want to pursue. She literally tried it like five minutes ago when I thought, "Why don't I practice hand lettering more? I really want to be good at it!" and the second I looked at a challenging hand lettering font, I let her tell me "Oh that's way too hard. You can never do that!" And that's exactly how she works. I'd like to consider myself a creative, but I technically can't because for far too long I have let Melissa have total control over my creative decisions. And when she has total control of the creative decisions, she shoots down every idea--point blank. All the times that I've thought I should hand letter more or learn to draw or play the violin or guitar, I let her convince me that it's too hard for me to learn to do it. So I don't try. I think creativity scares her because it can be so liberating but the "real" creatives of the world seem so magical, untouchable, and brilliant that's it's scary to start out nowhere close to that level. Nevermind that plenty of people do amazingly creative things simply for the emotional release that it provides, Melissa is scared of it because she either wants to be brilliant at it, or simply not try.

I find her slipping in to my job. It's been hard to be in the same position for almost two years with no change. I watched a lot of people come and go in that time, and for some it was because they moved or found other jobs. And others it was because they were transferred into a different department within the office. With my specific job responsibilities, I knew that it was hard to move me to any other department. However, that doesn't mean that Melissa didn't try to creep in there and tell me that I wasn't being moved because I wasn't good enough. And honestly, that sabotaged me more than anything. I believed that nothing I did would be valued anyway, so why try? It wreaked havoc on my attitude and my performance. However, when confronted by my manager, what did I do? Instead of being accountable for my actions, I let Melissa take over. Together we got defensive. We got angry. We sought comfort from the people in the office that liked us, so that we didn't have to face the reality that we have a bad attitude. Now the word that was actually used in my performance review and written warning "to shape up or else" was "hostile" which to this day I still don't necessarily agree with, but I see its purpose. Looking back, I think a more appropriate word would have been defensive or apathetic or even insensitive. I probably was giving Melissa way too much power at the time and was really not in a good place mentally for....more time than I'd like to admit. But since we're being transparent and honest here, we'll say a solid 5 months.  Outside of work, I was honestly great. I was graduating with a bachelor's degree. I was applying to graduate school (albeit stressed) and I had a great social circle. But work? Work was miserable. And my boss could see that I was absolutely miserable. She threatened to just take my job away and I pretty promptly shaped up. Honestly I gave that fixed mindset WAY too much power in my job. And I almost let it wreck me. I realized that just because I wasn't changing departments, didn't mean I wasn't valuable. It didn't mean that I wasn't good at my job, because quite frankly, I'm pretty dang good at it. I really have learned a lot there and I've done quite well. But if I let Melissa get in there too much, I let her tell me that I'm not good enough, that what I do doesn't matter, and that whether I'm doing the bare minimum or going above and beyond that I was always going to be mediocre. A lot has changed since then, and I'm really grateful that it has. I'm still a little bit afraid to screw something up and that I'll get fired over it, but I've been trying really hard to be a better employee and example to my coworkers. Disclaimer: not perfect because the job is still beyond frustrating sometimes, but my overall mindset is better, which is the purpose of it all, isn't it?

Now let's just talk general potential, shall we? I have it from a reputable source (i.e. my patriarchal blessing) that I'm supposed to be a leader. I'm supposed to be able to teach people, to guide them, to provide understanding. I'm supposed to use my "pleasing disposition" to do so. But you know what Melissa does? She tells me that I have nothing special to offer the world. She tells me that no one would want to follow me. She tells me that I'm not refined enough to be a good leader to anyone for any reason. So why is it that I believe Melissa more than I believe God. I freaking KNOW that that patriarchal blessing was both inspired and DIVINE. and yet? I pay more mind to freaking MELISSA. She don't know nothin. But she's still the one I believe. I let it limit me day in and day out. I read that patriarchal blessing and feel inspired to do more, to be better, to be more fearless and faithful in being who GOD wants me to be, not who Melissa limits me to be.

I want her to stop having a say in who I get to be. I want her to stop having a say in what I am capable of doing. Having big dreams and wanting to be an influence for good in the world is scary enough without having Melissa in the back of my mind telling me that I can't do it. So who cares if I fail? Most likely that failure will teach me something or lead to something bigger and better. But nothing bigger or better will every come my way if I'm not willing to take chances, to get out of my comfort zone, and to take the big steps that scare me the most.

So take that, Melissa. I get to be in control of my life. You're welcome to stick around, but ONLY to remind me that I can be so much more than you'd ever let me be. The only thing you're good for is to remind me that I don't want to live a life in fear of taking chances because I fear failure. If anything, I want you to inspire me to fail so that I can learn more in the process.